ok. i have been bad. i have gotten almost nothing done in life but make an appointment to see a specialist in ocd. i don't know when i will next update this site, but i have not forgotten about it. it is still a goal of mine to work on this, i want to finish this someday in my life. mental illness just gets in the way as you can see by my last entry. sorry its so emotional, i kind of regret saying that much haha. i'm not going to delete it though, it deserves to stay. i don't care if people are upset by me sharing so much, i was lost and alone and afraid and that part of myself deserves to be put out into the world, no matter how buried this blog page gets. i still am lost and all that but i'm trying to just take things as they come right now. the thing i've been working on for this site is a background image for my main page, it's inspired by wataru's worlds in yume 2kki if you know his stuff. thanks for reading this!
i've been very hung up on existential thoughts lately, its made me very depressed and i've barely eaten anything these past few days. i want to stop thinking about how im going to die but thanks to my anxiety i can't. im trying to accept these feelings and let myself feel them instead of trying to chase them off, which i think is working a little bit? life feels very empty as of late. i keep thinking about my parents (especially my mom) dying a long death. im so worried about how they feel about aging too. i know its natural to be worried about other people but my anxiety just dials it up to 2000. i've been slacking on website building and will probably not update again for a while, at least not majorly. i do still think about this site every day and my hopes for what i want it to become. i want this site to live on after me and tell people in the future that i was here. that i did stuff. that i loved people. i love my family. i love my friends. i love being alive.
Ok cool new updated blog page. I'm gonna add an image on the right side above the gorgeous black dragon so it will look less empty. Getting back into the swing of website building after not doing it for like a week. I just put together the lego ideas insect set with the chinese mantis, blue morpho, and herc beetle! They are my new favorite set. I'll post them on my Lego collections page when I get around to making it.
I have been constantly thinking about how to feel better for months now. I don't think I've figured it out now, or if I ever will. But I know that I have been keeping so many ideas and thoughts inside of my head for so long that it feels like its going to burst. I'm just going to be cringe and post shit on my tumblr. Whatever I need to, out of my head and into the world. I'll still have a filter of course. I can start writing a journal, that would also help. It'd probably be better than tumblr. UHHHGGG its so hard to be happy. Oh well. I can only do the best I can.
I've made a ton of progress on this site. I'm not sure if it'll be completely done by the end of the year, but most of it will be done for sure. I still haven't filled out the college app form I was supposed to do months ago. I've made progress mentally and artistically which is good. I've also been playing a ton of Yume 2kki Online lol. I'm hooked, I have about 2/3 of the menu themes and all effects. I met some really cool people on there who like the same music as me. One person even got what my username is referencing! It's a nice place.
Yesterday was my birthday, I went to a secondhand book store and an art store with my mom. I also got a CD player, finally! I've been wanting one for ages. I got a ton of CDs at the book store, one of which was an Art of Noise comp!!! I was so happy to find them!!! It has beat box (diversion one) on it and that's all I could ask for. I'm not the biggest fan of comp albums, but you take what you can get. I got some manga, one of which was the first volume of the deluxe edition of Berserk. I'd prefer the one I find to be anything other than the black swordsman arc, but again. You take what you can get. The others were the first two volumes of Parasyte, and the Ocarina of Time manga. I got that to go with my Majora's Mask and Link to the Past volume. The last thing I got was season two of Twin Peaks! Yay... At least I have the last two episodes. Everything else... eh... its watchable. If you've seen Twin Peaks, you know what I mean. OH no, the very last thing I got was the Divine Comedy. It has those gorgeous engravings by Gustave Dore inside. My friend stopped by at the end of the day too, I had a good day!
Guess what... I LIED AGAIN >:) I got one more thing at the book store. This beautiful Ankylosaurus plush. I can't stop holding her! Today I'm going to watch scary stuff with that same friend.
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